Tag Archives: pondering

Lack of Motivation

All the time.

My exams are impending, in May. From experience I know I will start going nuts and burning midnight oil like one week away from Doomsday.

But why?! I’m human. We’re evolved and smart. We’re supposed to learn from our mistakes isn’t it. But why can’t I saddle up and buckle down. Oh my lord. Here I am whining about it watching television shows and not studying. Live example. Lol.

Sometimes I feel bouts of depression. I’m not saying I’m like suicidal or anything. But sometimes I just ponder over whats life about. We’re on this world to do what exactly? We eat, we shit, we sleep, we study, we work, we retire, we die. I mean honestly if immortality was a thing, then I would get it. Like eventually, you’ll be able to enjoy your life. But for most of us, the 99%, we don’t make it BIG BIG. We make it comfortable, or above average. Usually when we’re starting to get grey on our heads. I mean I don’t know. Like some of us strive so hard, and yet shit happens and we die too, others take the less strenuous route, and shit still happens and we die. What is the purpose? E.g. Frogs are on this Earth to eat flies and such. Plants are for oxygen and stuff. But what are humans for? We take and take and take. What do we give back. To the Earth, and not for our own benefit. I don’t know. Just feels so philosophical. HAHA.

giphy

So I also wonder like. Why should I study so hard for. I’m already through 30% of my lifespan. Then again we don’t live for ourselves. Almost none of us do. We live for others before us. I study because my mom insists that I get a degree. I couldn’t care less to have a degree for myself. I know it’s importance. But I’m just floating. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t have a passion.. I only want to have a job to support and provide for my mom if possible. I know she works hard to provide for me. She scrimps she saves for the future. But all this is for obligation. But what lies ahead for me.. I don’t know. Will I be stuck in a dead beat job? Miserable? Getting by day by day..

Oh god I hope not. At 24 I thought things should be more figured out by now.

You might say things like. Do what makes you happy. Etc etc. But what makes me happy is pretty generic, just like what makes everyone happy. Like traveling. Wanting to do cool stuffs like dream of being a Youtube Star, a Hollywood A List Actress. You know. Normal stuff.

Make money in a slightly “easier” way, and actually have the time to enjoy it. Of course I’m saying this. Lol. Cause I’ve never acted, or been under the scrutiny of the masses. But who knows right.

Rant over.

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